Your Weekly Freud-O-Scopes

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Your parents' recent divorce makes now the perfect time to make a move on your mother.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
A simple, yet effective way to deal with the everyday mishaps of life is to simply pretend they didn't happen. Remember: Repression is a beautiful thing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Your inability to achieve orgasm stems from a deep inner fear of chewing pencils.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Write a letter to the Surgeon General stating that her condemnation of smoking stems from Penis Envy.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
An acute case of schizophrenia will require you to pay double for this session.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
You will relive your fondest childhood memories when your father backs over you with a Buick.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Hypnosis and electroshock therapy can cure you of the sadistic desire to name your children Oedipus and Electra.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
The convergence of your Superego, the dualistic nature of your Id, and the ontology of man's existence will converge, resulting in your acting like a real schmuck.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Your not-so-recent graduation into adulthood is a sign that it is about time you quit breast feeding.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Psychotic women wear Freudian slips

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Your repeated dreams about White Out are a clear sign of your desire to have a sex change.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
A careless Freudian slip will result in the mention of your father's penis during your next job interview.