Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Your stunted growth from years of cigarette and alcohol abuse lands you the roll of Tattoo in the Fantasy Island reunion tour. Tonight: "The Plane!"
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
During an intimate dinner, you will discover that your new lover is only 13 years old. Make the best of the situation by getting a discount rate at the movie theatre.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Rent a limousine to take you to work tomorrow. Tell your boss that you just won the lottery and won't consider working for less than $80,000. Tomorrow: Watch General Hospital.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Study at home with Sally Struthers. In just 13 weeks, you too can be a certified air traffic controller. Be sure to have "Port" and "Starboard" tattooed to the appropriate hands before your first day at work.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
You decide that your lover takes safe sex to the extreme when you can no longer be in the same room. Try to explain that there is really no such thing as "cooties".
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
The tattoos you receive as a toy surprise in your Cracker Jack box are laced with angel dust. After you recover from a bad trip, you will be able to communicate using only Pig Latin.