Your (Semi-) Weekly Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
You will wish you had paid more attention to your fourth grade spelling class after you agree to become a piece corpse volunteer.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
That you have a remarkably strong ability to attract the opposite sex won't seem like such good news after you find out you're gay.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
You will have a special place in your heart for the Beatles' I Wanna Hold Your Hand after witnessing an unfortunate combine accident.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Your life will be much happier and simpler once you decide to accept the fact that you are a truly wretched human being. Use this to your advantage by becoming a used car salesman.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Now is the perfect time to take up smoking. It's dirty, unhealthy, and repulsive, but surprisingly won't affect your appeal to the opposite sex.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
End your current streak of bad luck by getting a permanent tattoo of a four-leafed clover.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
You will be arrested for indecent exposure after your attempt to sign your snow angel.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Seemingly insurmountable barriers remain so only as long as you let them. An open discussion with that special someone may reveal that you actually do see eye to eye. If that doesn't work, try a good old-fashioned snowball fight.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Fame, riches, and power beyond your wildest dreams will be yours when you discover a legal loophole allowing you to patent internet pornography.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Society will rethink the phrase, "less is more" after you decide to market your new line of "plus size" string bikinis.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Good news will turn bad when your boss agrees to give you 52 weeks vacation per year.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Though I can't tell you exactly what will happen, the crowd's reaction of, "Oh, Dear Lord, what the hell were you thinking?!" should give you some indication.