Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Tension will rise when your roommate steals your leftover pizza. Be sure to communicate your disapproval by stapling the empty box to his or her head.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
You will be forced to fire your interior decorator when she suggests that bean bag chairs are no longer in style. Some people just don't appreciate the joys of spending the night on a big, vinyl orb.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You will be selected for a medical research project wherein you eat nothing but Froot Loops and Pez for a month. In addition to the $25 you receive for being a guinea pig, you notice that you are now able to watch scrambled cable channels.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
A roundish man calling himself Neptune will chain himself to your leg, refusing to leave until the US ends its involvement in Vietnam. Distract him with M*A*S*H reruns long enough to find some mace.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Dating a member of the army turns out better than you thought. You can make him do push-ups every time he leaves the toilet seat up, and he has to stand erect until you say, "at ease". Now you just have to get used to his playing Revile at 0500.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Your sex life fizzles when that special someone you've been making obscene phone calls to stops accepting the charges. Next time, listen to Alyssa Milano.