Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Dr. Sigmund Freud, Father of Modern Psychology, will appear to you in a dream this week. In it, he will remind you that even he thinks you're obsessed with sex.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Affairs with the Milkman just aren't the same now that he no longer delivers.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Many people remember what it was like during those confusing early teenage years, when you felt awkward, unaccepted, and didn't know where you'd fit in. You, however, are in the unique position to experience these fond memories well into your 40's.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
College drinking games will be revolutionized when you combine a Twister mat, a Rubik's Cube, and a pair of pornographic dice.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
An unexpected lovers quarrel may upset an otherwise stable romance. Perhaps that Weight Watchers certificate wasn't the best anniversary gift.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
You will tap into the lucrative "drunken art critic" market when you unveil your plans for Vincent Van Gogh brand gin. Picasso daiquaris may just put your kids through college.