Your REAL Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
An old nemesis will return, threatening to blackmail you. In his posession are several polaroids of you attending a Menudo concert. Pay him whatever it takes.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Repeated nightmares involving Christy Whitman can be ended only by packing up the wagon and moving away from lovely downtown Trenton.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
A mysterious flu will develop, causing you to think that you are a large bowl of canned yams. On the bright side, you will soon meet a wonderful jar of cranberry sauce.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
After years of saving UPC symbols and collecting box tops, you will finally earn enough points to purchase Mout Rushmore. Unexpected shipping and handling charges lie in your future.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
A feeling of depression may result when you realize that your are merely the Thimble in the Monopoly Board of Life.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Hours of practice at amateur magic will go unappreciated when you are burned as a witch after your first performance.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Much of your furniture will be reduced to a pile of smoldering ashes when your pet dragon gets a severe case of the hiccups.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Eat an entire box of Kellogs Pop Tarts® as an excuse to call that sexy new 1-800-DENTIST operator. Remember to forget to brush after each meal.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Life will continue along its blissful course until someone tells the world about that secret, hidden sexual problem of yours-- Oops, sorry about that.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Spend the day reflecting up the immortal words of Janis Joplin: "I don't understand why half the world is still crying, man, when the other half the world is still crying too, man." It's thinking like that that made the 60's great.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Relations with a new lover may come to an abrupt halt when you discover that your mate was born during the Reagan Administration. That'll teach you to answer personals in Mad Magazine.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Nothing interesting will happen to you this week when your beloved astrologer decides to go to bed early.