Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Suffering from low self esteem? Why not try to buy your own love? A carefully chosen trinket is just the thing to relieve those feelings of bitter hopelessness. Flowers are always nice.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Intelligence, good looks, and riches will all be for naught this week when you discover that your soul mate prefers the company of Alf reruns.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
People simply aren't giving you the attention you deserve. Why not start chewing tobacco? It comes in several delicious flavors, and seems to work for those baseball players.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Life will take a turn for the better when you discover "10 Cent Wing Nite" at your local Hooters.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
A careless typographical error on your driver's license renewal will require you to get a sex change.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
You will be thrown out of your carpenter's union after a careless remark about staple guns.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
You will be overcome with a deep feeling of existential anxiety when you realize that you were likely conceived at a New Year's Eve wife-swapping party.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Domestic unrest is in your future after your roommate eats your lucky Pop Tart®.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You will be overcome with a feeling of sloth-like bliss when FOX airs a 48 hour Three's Company marathon.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
God has bestowed upon you many wondrous and splendid powers. Among them, unfortunately, is not the ability to avoid falling pianos.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Lowered standards is the key to your success in the World of Romance.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
You will meet your one true soul mate in an elevator this week. Unfortunately, your violent sneezing fit ensures that you will never again exchange bodily fluids.